The Everlasting Gift That Costs Nothing
July 19, 2008
Can you imagine being able to give a gift to those around you, which would benefit them for years to come? Wouldn’t it be even better if it didn’t cost a penny and didn’t take a lot of time?
You’d probably give that gift to everyone you know and the good news is you can. It’s a simple gift. It’s a compliment. And if you’ve received a genuine compliment before, even if it was just for something small, you’ll know how much it can boost your confidence. When you thought about it years later, it probably still made you feel good.
So why, as a world in general, are we not giving compliments to those around us and making them feel good on a regular basis?
Some People Suck When It Comes To Giving The Right Compliment
If you’ve ever received a slap across the face for telling someone they have nice tits – you probably fall into this category.
Some People Make The Mistake Of Combining A Compliment With An Insult
For example, you don’t want to tell a member of staff that the report they did was fantastic and it really makes up for the cock up they made of that presentation last month.
Some People Use False Flattery Instead Of Compliments
A compliment needs to be genuine. And we should never give compliments that we don’t mean. It doesn’t benefit anyone – the recipient is likely to feel insulted and will probably assume that you’re after something. So telling dear old Aunt Alice that she’s an amazing cook, even though she gave the entire family food poisoning at Christmas, isn’t going to go down any better than the turkey will next year.
Some People Are Too Busy To Catch Someone Doing Something Good
Sometimes, when we’re busy, it’s all to easy to notice when there’s problems, in the workplace, or at home and criticize others when they screw up. We really need to slow down a bit and make a point of trying to catch those around us doing something good and complimenting them on it.
Some People Don’t Know How To Accept Compliments
Some people suck at accepting compliments – I certainly used to be when I was younger. You might have done it yourself too – responded with careless words, such as “It was nothing,” or “it really wasn’t that great”.
And the trouble is, without meaning to, you make the complimenter feel foolish for having said anything to begin with. And it makes them think twice about complimenting people in the future.
The only words we need to say when someone compliments us is “thank you.” And once we can do that, it’s far easier to give compliments too.
Do you enjoy giving compliments? Have you had a bad response to a compliment that has put you off giving them? Have you received a compliment that still made you feel good several years later? Who will you give the gift of a sincere compliment to today – your spouse, your staff, a colleague, or even a stranger? Please share your thoughts and stories in the comments section.
Image Credit: Claudia Assad
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I have a friend who can’t handle a compliment – she immediately changes the subject. I still compliment her when she deserves it.
Yesterday at BlogHer I told someone she was pretty. I meant it. She was so happy and returned the compliment. It felt good to be nice to each other.
I have no problem receiving a compliment. I just say thank you and smile.
Vered’s last blog post..Internet Safety: Did I Go Too Far?
I think you’re absolutely right. The pace of life is so frantic nowadays, we don’t seem to find time for ourselves, let alone others.
And that’s why this is one of the best ways to spread a little positivity. It costs nothing in time, yet means so much. And passing a compliment, if heart-felt is worth us all doing far more of.
In the work-place though, in these politically-correct times, is it a problem giving compliments to someone of the opposite gender?
It can easily be miscontrued, so the areas in which people are complimented do need to be chosen with care!
Ian Denny’s last blog post..Is Your Small Business Missing This Vital Competitive Edge?
This is a good reminder for me, as I can sometimes get caught up in what you’ve describes at being busy and missing them. In fact, I sometimes don’t miss them, I just move on to whatever is happening next, and forget about it. When instead, I could easily take a minute and give a compliment.
I enjoy receiving compliments, so I must get better at giving them. It should be easy, if we speak from the heart.
Anyway, thanks for the reminder.
Lance’s last blog post..Defeat
I’ve been in early childhood education for over 25 years … which has taught me how valuable SINCERE compliments are to the receiver. Kids know the difference from a real compliment for a job well done, an act of compassion, or some awesome critical thinking – compared to an automatic or insincere compliment for something undeserved. The compliments that are earned make them feel accomplished!! It amazes me how many people shower their children with compliment after compliment, day after day, then their child goes out into the world … and is not acknowledged for every little thing they do. It’s so detrimental to them…
As far as adults – I love complementing individuals! It is such an easy gift from the heart … to share with another. But it has to be real … that is what makes it a gift! A sincere compliment coupled with a genuine smile … is something all of us need!!!
Interesting post Cath – thanks
dawn @ iowahippiechick’s last blog post..My Biggest Asset …
I have trouble receiving compliments; but it depends on what the compliment is and who is giving it. Some are easier to accept than others.
I love giving compliments. When your compliment is well-received it makes a difference too! It gets awkward if it is not received fully.
According to Wayne Dyer, both people benefit from the exchange of compliments; but, even more interesting, if there are observers of the compliment being exchanged, they benefit too.
Davina’s last blog post..Like a Bird
Firstly, Cath, let me compliment you on writing this thought provoking post
In life, people don’t give- and receive- compliments enough (especially us Brits!)
I read somewhere (can’t remember where) that it takes, at least, two positive comments to offset the effects of one negative one.
We only have to look at how brilliantly children respond to a compliment to see the power of a genuinely made, positive bit of feedback.
Most times when I pay someone a sincere compliment, there is usually some kind of retort, like you suggest. Either along the lines of: “don’t be daft” or “I’m only doing my job”.
I guess the bottom line is that if we want to compliment someone, it is our right to do so. Whether that person accepts it is up to them.
Even with the much maligned call centre workers I have dealt with, I believe in giving a compliment for good customer service as readily as I am in making a complaint.
Some people might say we shouldn’t have to give praise for what they’re only getting paid for anyway. I disagree- these telephone operators are human beings and are as equally affected by negative and positive remarks aimed at them as we are.
If you’re quick to complain, you should be as quick to compliment. It is very noticeable how grateful call centre workers sound when you deliver a sincere, heartfelt and constructive piece of feedback.
That’s the way, I believe, it is in life too.
If it doesn’t already exist, there should be a National
“Pay-Someone-A-Compliment” Day.
Imagine the knock on effects!
Hi Vered – it is good that you still compliment your friend. I guess that many people who don’t accept compliments well have just observed others doing the same thing when they were younger.
Hi Ian – definitely in the workplace, it is far better to stick to complimenting people of the opposite sex on their work only. I came very close to slapping some people I worked with when I was younger.
Hi Lance – being too busy can be fatal can’t it – especially at work. I must admit, I’ve also been too busy to remember on many occasions.
Hi Dawn – I understand what you mean about complimenting kids too often – it really can take away the benefit.
Hi Davina – that is interesting – I didn’t know that observers benefit too. That’s even better. I will have to read some of Wayne Dyer’s stuff as I’ve heard his name quite a lot recently.
Hi Scott – Thank you. Call centre staff do take a lot of hassle don’t they? And I agree – the ones who do their job well definitely deserve to be complimented.
Pay Someone A Compliment Day is a fab idea.
Cath Lawson’s last blog post..The Everlasting Gift That Costs Nothing
Excellent topic! A brief and sincere compliment can brighten a person’s entire day or week, and how easy it is to do. Lately I’ve made a point of complimenting service workers who do a good job – sales clerks, waiters/waitresses, etc. Some of them are absolutely stunned, as if no one ever bothered to appreciate them. Sad commentary , don’t you think? I’ve been reading blogs for three years, and this is the first post I recall on the topic of compliments. Isn’t that interesting?
Brad Shorr’s last blog post..12 Things Writing and Golf Have in Common
Hi Brad – that is good – people in service work really appreciate a compliment. When I was in school, I worked part-time in a shoe store. And this old guy would always drop by and tell me what a great job I was doing and that I’d have an even better job when I got older because I worked so hard.
And when I moved stores – he did the same thing. It really boosted my confidence that someone noticed how hard I was working and I never forgot it.
You know – now that you mention it, I’m not sure I’ve read any compliments posts either. I’m going to search the blogosphere and check.
Cath Lawson’s last blog post..The Everlasting Gift That Costs Nothing
I’ve never liked compliments (receiving them) before I met my husband. You could say he’s biased, but he always fits the right way to say things and I know he means it. Go figure what that tells you about German men
Yeah, well, and I probably fall into the category of “hard to accept compliments” because usually the ones I got were “you look nice” with the idea of “I wanna f*** you” in the back of their minds…
Jobwise, different story
Giving compliments can be hard too, especially when you find someone that has trouble receiving them
But I think,I’m pretty good at giving them
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The best compliments are when we remark about a natural strength, quality or characteristic of another. Performance based comments only put the pressure on to repeat the outstanding performance. Like the stupid Dad who says straight As that’s good better keep it up. But
when when we compliment on some aspect that is inherent, the connection is more heartfelt.
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work’s last blog post..Wildness
Hi Cath:
In the book “The One Minute Manager” they have a concept called “the one minute praising”. Basically you praise people immediately, you’re specific about what they did right, you tell them how good you feel about what they did right, you stop for a moment of silence to let them feel how good you feel, you encourage them to do more of the same, and you shake hands or touch them in a way that let’s them know that you support their success in the organization.
I think that same concept can be applied to children if you’re a parent.
Marelisa’s last blog post..Inspiration Sunday: A Parable on Forgiveness (July 20, 2008)
Sometimes I think people get so caught up with noticing what’s wrong that they forget to notice what’s right. This was a fantastic reminder for us to show some sincere appreciation to people – thank you!
Al at 7P’s last blog post..How To Work On Something You Hate
Nicole – am LMAO here. I hope you mean that was the type of compliment you would get off other men – not your husband.
It sounds like you prefer the same compliments as me then – on things you have done that are work related, as opposed to the way you look.
Hi Tom – I know what you mean – that better keep up the hard work type of comment can really make you feel pressurised can’t it. So much so that it’s easy to actually forget the original compliment.
Hi Mare – that’s interesting. I guess the shaking hands part etc would make the recipient feel more like the compiment was genuine ans what they’d done was really appreciated.
Thanks Al – that’s a really good point. And if we make a conscious effort to notice what is right, I guess we’ll begin to see more good all around us.
Cath,
Thanks for this excellent reminder. I am uncomfortable receiving compliments that are generic–”you’re awesome”–because they don’t seem sincere. A compliment on a specific action or attribute–”your editing made my book better”–seems more sincere. We all get busy and forget to compliment others–I’m going to make a conscious effort to pay more attention.
Lillie Ammann’s last blog post..25 Words of Work/Life Wisdom
Hi Lillie – That is a good point. I guess if someone tells you you’re awesome – you’re not really getting any feedback on what you did to make them happy.
Hi Catherine,
Like you, when I was younger, I had a hard time accepting a compliment. I didn’t like to draw attention to myself, so I would brush it off. Now, I say “thank you”.
I love to give compliments. If someone is doing a great job, looks good, or whatever, they should be recognized.
I still remember compliments I got many years ago. They are great for the ego and depending on the compliment, can change your life.
Re: “awesome”. I use that term sometimes (like I know I’ve told you “you’re awesome”), and although it could be construed as a generality, I see it as more of “you’re a complete,fantastic package”
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..Interview With Lorelle VanFossen – Part 1 – Stay Motivated
I used to be horrible at receiving compliments; I just didn’t know what to say. I would either say something foolish or stutter and say nothing at all. That’s when I learned the power of “thank you.” It’s simplicity, yet all encompassing appropriateness for the compliment you’ve just received
Ricardo Bueno’s last blog post..Quote of the Day
Hi Barbara – I like being called awesome – thank you. I wonder why so many of us are not good at accepting compliments when we’re younger? I think it must be from observing others around us – but it’s difficult to remember.
Hi Ricardo – It’s so easy once you learn to do it isn’t it?
“I wonder why so many of us are not good at accepting compliments when we’re younger?” — Cathlawson
I’m inclined to think that if you give a child a compliment, he/she will say “thank you.”
As we get older, we get accustomed to having people (teachers, parents, etc.) teach us the ways of the world. So when someone gives us a compliment, and we’re not that child anymore, we haven’t yet been taught how to respond, so we stutter and don’t know what to say.
Ricardo Bueno’s last blog post..Quote of the Day
Hi Ricardo – that’s a good point. It’s amazing how children unlearn many good habits due to the influence of adults around them.
Hi Cath,
Great topic! Compliments are so very useful, so very precious, and so very “gee, what have you done for me lately?” prone.
There’s this quote out there that I saw in Akeelah and the Bee -
“Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?”
Learning to accept one’s greatness (and hence accept compliments that stem from that) can be difficult indeed.
Lots of good vibes come from being complimenting folk.
Enjoy, Barbara
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach’s last blog post..A friend is ALWAYS a priceless gem and you’re never too old for more
Hi Cath – I came across your blog linking from your comment on Brad’s about golf . I could chat to you for hours about the frustrations of that game but that’s not why I am here!
I really like this post. I teach public speaking skills in schools. A really important part of the training is peer feedback. After each speech team members are asked to tell the speaker what was GREAT about what they did . We do no allow words like “nice” or “quite” as in that was quite good. We work together with the young people to find ways of paying close attention, identifying the good stuff and then articulating what we have seen. It is such a great two way process – everybody gives and gets feedback. Of course this is only truly meaningful if what could be improved is also included ( your aunt’s cooking!!)but you only have to watch the face of the person hearing the good stuff to understand how important it is to getting better.
Have a great day .
Jackie
Jackie Cameron’s last blog post..It’s time to support bloggers writing on UK HR issues
Hi Barbara – that is a great point. That is another good reason why people aren’t good accepting compliments – because they haven’t learned to accept their own greatness.
Hi Jackie – I bet that is very rewarding. Many people find public speaking difficult and learning it at school will certainly help to build a child’s confidence. And positive feedback is good.
Even if you are telling them what they could improve on, as well as complimenting their achievements – if it is done in a postive way it helps to build their self esteem.
I think maybe some people tend to say thank you to people who work in similar professions they do. Maybe because they understand what that other person goes through?
I’m definitely a thanker. I thank people all the time and I do appreciate them when I get one myself. It is a good confidence booster like you said.
John Hoff – eVentureBiz’s last blog post..Videos To Help Craft A Better Website & Attract Attention
Hi John – that’s interesting. I guess you’re more likely to notice if someone does something well when you’re working in the same profession as they are.
You know what really ticks me off, is the dysfunctional work place, where they’ll take every opportunity to scold you when you don’t meet their “Expectations”.
Yet when you do something well, God Forbid, should they ever say something positive, like “Good Job!”
I dont’ know why there’s such reluctance to praise people in the office. It costs absolutely NOTHING, and the potential benefits (in terms of boosted morale and staff loyalty) are huge.
I always try to remember to say “good job”. We need more “atta boys” at work. It can really brighten an otherwise dreary job.
Yet a lot of idiot managers don’t realize this. They think your paycheck should be reward enough, and the only feedback they ‘ll ever provide will be negative.
…and then they wonder why productivity is low, and why they can’t retain good staff….:-) .
A few months ago, I was praised by my manager, and it totally shocked me.
Friar’s last blog post..I tried, but couldn’t eat this candy?
Cath — I think part of the problem of business-related compliments is that we’ve been taught to constructively criticize by wrapping a criticism with a compliment. Such as, “I like how you did A, but B could use some work.” Why do we do this? I think it’s silly. What’s worse, I’ve seen people do this to their kids. I think this whole thing cuts down on anyone ever believing you again if you really do compliment them (without the insult).
Amy Derby’s last blog post..Pick a Winner, We Dare You
Hi Friar – I totally agree with you, it doesn’t give one much motivation if they never receive any praise. I wonder if some employees are afraid to praise their staff because they think it will make them slack off more?
Hi Amy – that’s a good point. A lot of people do that, so that the criticism doesn’t come as too much of a blow (I vaguely remember being told to do it on some training course). But as you rightly point out, it would be difficult to believe a compliment from someone who kept doing that.
Compliments seem rare anymore–genuine compliments, that is. Perhaps that’s why we’re so bad at accepting them?
I actually think it’s summed up pretty well with a scene in Mean Girls. (Good gravy, that movie is my cinematic crack!) The alpha female gives a compliment, and then accuses the complimentee of being stuck-up when she responds with “thank you,” and thus implicitly agreeing.
I think it’s easier to accept compliments when we have better people radar, and can tell the sincere from the fake.
Either way, one of the easiest ways to give a compliment is to take the time to pass along something kind another person said. (Is there such a thing as good gossip?)
Sara at On Simplicity’s last blog post..How to Do Less: Simplifying Your To-Do List
Hi Sara – I haven’t seen Mean Girls, but I’ll be looking out for it now.
That is a good point – if someone is told something good someone said about them by someone else – it is nice. I don’t think that is necessarily gossip. Gossip is usually when negative things are being said. I hate gossips and I don’t believe that repeating nice things is gossip anyway.
I do enjoy giving compliments but I tend to have a problem with receiving them. I used to choke, change the subject and mumble a “thank you”. However, I’ve come to know that receiving compliments is like getting a gift in positive energy and love. If I want to be able to give, then I also need to learn how to receive.
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map’s last blog post..Face Up To Your 6 Basic Fears
Hi Evelyn – “receiving compliments is like getting a gift in positive energy and love” – that is a really nice way of putting it. And it is so true that it is much easier to give when you’ve learned how to receive.
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