Change The World: Or Is This Weakness Stopping You?
August 27, 2008
Most people want to help change the world. And whilst even the smallest change can make a massive difference, there’s a human weakness that prevents many people from having any impact at all.
A long time ago, I came across a newspaper article on the Holocaust. It was different to similar articles I’d read before. It showed images of clothing heaped up into piles. These were the clothes that the Nazi’s had removed from the Jews, before sending them into the gas chambers.
One little dress really stood out – the girl who owned it can’t have been more than two years old. And I doubt whether anyone can imagine what it was like to be there – although those who survived probably relived the horror many times, for the rest of their lives. But that picture of that tiny dress brought me closer to imagining the terror those poor people experienced, than anything I’ve ever read on the subject.
It was sometime in the nineties when I saw it. But it isn’t just the picture which accompanied it, that makes me remember it right now. It’s the shame of what I did when I saw it. I couldn’t read the article – I turned the page.
At the time I was suffering from PTSD. It made me weak, it made me depressed – it made me lots of things I didn’t want. But the worst thing it gave me was the inability to deal with other people’s pain. I’d turned into one of those self absorbed people I’d always frowned upon. You see, I simply couldn’t face any of the of the horrors that were going on in the world, because of the effect it had on me.
Have you ever felt like that? Have you avoided someone else’s pain because of the way it made you feel? Have you refused to read about the suffering of others, because of the effect it had on you?
Before then, I’d had those types of conversation you want to escape from, many times. Sometimes with strangers and often with people I knew. They’d tell me they couldn’t be a nurse, a fireman, a doctor, or a paramedic because it upset them; they were too sensitive to do those kind of jobs, because they cared about others far too much.
Those type of comments always made me cringe. It implied that folk who did those type of jobs had no feelings or compassion at all.
But that one newspaper article left me feeling as bad about myself, as I did about those ignorant people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling sad when we hear about other people’s pain – we’re only human after all.
The trouble is, when we take another person’s pain as our own and our pain becomes more important than theirs, it prevents us from helping them, or understanding their suffering. And if we can’t even do that, it’s unlikely that we’ll be able to make even the smallest positive change in the world at all.
And I know that if we’re reading about something like the holocaust, which happened in the past – there is nothing we can actually do to help. But if you were going to die a painful, cruel, undignified death, how would it feel to know that others were going to avoid reading your story? How would it feel if you were going to die, knowing people wouldn’t want to know the truth, because they cared more about their own feelings than understanding what you’d gone through?
When we’re in a situation where others are suffering, or we read about it – it’s fine to acknowledge our sadness and it’s fine to admit to ourselves that it upsets us. But we need to remember that it’s their pain not ours. And we can only help to change the world, if we can face the plight of others, without thinking of ourselves.
Have you ever struggled to face someone else’s pain or suffering, or spoken to others who did? Aside from reminding ourselves that it isn’t our pain, do you have any ideas or suggestions on what people can do to overcome this weakness?
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I used to be really bad at coping with the pain of friends. I’d get all uncomfortable and try to escape – because I couldn’t make things immediately better. I’m a fixer; I like to make everyone happy and a lot of time things are immediately fixable.
I’ve learned to cope and put aside my own need to fix and just listen and provide my support and care.
Alex Fayle’s last blog post..When Too Much Stuff Happens: Nada Thomson Interview
One of my girlfriends just told me on Saturday that she has been afraid to hear about other people’s pain because she does not know how to give proper advice. She thinks that it’s better that professional help be sought since she is not trained in the area of counscelling. She said that it’s not because she does not care. What do you think of this view?
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map’s last blog post..Planet Of Dreams
I saw this post today and immediately closed the browser window. I KNEW it was going to be sad so refused to read it.
I did go back to it after a few hours. It was painful to read, and it made me cry, but as you said, it’s THEIR pain, not mine.
I wish I could answer your question.
Vered’s last blog post..Aging: May I Please Get Off This Path Now?
Hi Alex – I guess it’s difficult – if you’re a person who wants to fix things all the time. But it’s great that you learnt that isn’t always possible. And listening and supporting is often what people want more than anything else.
Hi Evelyn – It depends if your friend means people in general, or specific people with a specific problem, who need specialist help and haven’t got it. I think that in the latter case, she should definitely encourage them to get specialist help.
But in both cases, people often just need someone to talk to. I don’t think your friend needs to fix things to help – just listen and support. It’s a lot like Alex explained above isn’t it.
Hi Vered – I checked out the post. It is a terribly sad story. But – you went back. And the fact that it made you cry doesn’t matter.
It’s not like you avoided reading it totally because you didn’t want it to upset you. The sadness you were feeling was for those who were suffering. And it’s very easy for you to empathise with them, because you have children of your own.
I guess, the hardest thing is actually facing people in a situation like that – because you don’t want them to see your sadness, incase it makes them feel worse. And I suppose you have to try to switch your feelings off – but it isn’t always that easy is it?
It’s kinda weird. I’m an engineer so I tend to be analytical, but I also have a pretty compassionate side to me as well.
I remember several years ago of an earthquake in India that killed thousands of people and how if the buildings used modern building technology, then nearly all the deaths could have been preventable. I saw a picture of one of the victim’s surviving family members and was filled with sadness, and when I thought about the fact that this single loss needed to be multiplied a thousand-fold, I was realllyyy depressed for a little while, then my empathy just shut down. Somebody once said that a single loss is a tragedy, but a loss of thousands is a statistic. The ability for me to emotionally handle all that went beyond my threshold and the story then became a statistic to me.
We’re all human and we have a finite amount of emotion we can reasonably handle. If someone has their hands full with something as serious as PTSD, then no way do that person have the capacity to handle another person’s issue. How can I help save someone from drowning if I’m drowning myself?
I learned that if one really wants to help someone, that person is also responsible of making sure they themselves are not in a situation that needs help.
Al at 7P’s last blog post..10 Tips for Immediate Productivity Results
Hi Al – I guess seeing photos of those who died, or their family makes it seem so much more real when you hear about a tragedy like that doesn’t it? It must have really got to you. But it’s good that you were able to switch that feeling off eventually.
I see what you mean about PTSD and not being able to help others when you can’t help yourself. I guess it’s just as well I was unable to go back to work then, or I wouldn’t have been much use to anyone.
But I was so annoyed with myself, because I just wasn’t like me anymore. In the end, I began to buy newspapers and force myself to read all the bad news.
Cath
I think I might do a post about this and link back to you….
Briefly, I do think some knowledge about the world’s happenings is a good thing, but I think one also has to consider their sphere of influence. Can you do anything to help? Do you already volunteer, donate money to causes, offer assistance to people?
If you do contribute to your community and/or world then I would say dwelling on the horrors of the world doesn’t do you or anyone else any good. Are people going to be less starving because we read about it and worry about it?
But if you really do live in a vacuum and take care of number 1 to the neglect of everyone else, then maybe you do need to open your eyes, see what’s going on in the world and rethink your selfish position.
I have had enough first hand experience that terrible things happen. I do care. I try to be generous to others on all levels and contribute what I can. For me, this means I don’t need to bludgeon myself with images and stories that rip my heart out. It’s not news to me, and I’ll be a more effective human being if I focus on causes and people I CAN HELP.
Kelly@SHE-POWER’s last blog post..An Extract From My Novel, ?Running With The Dead?
Hi Catherine,
People who are in pain (or suffering), often don’t need us to say anything, they need to know we’re there for them, whether we just sit in the same room with them, give them a shoulder to cry on, or hold their hand. They need to feel our love and support, and the knowledge they can count on us.
Being compassionate is the key.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..Parties, Spam and Hanging Chads
Hi Kelly – I see where you’re coming from. Reading about every single event that happens in the world could be damaging – not because you don’t care about other people’s pain and suffering. But because you’re unable to do anything about it. I can understand that. I guess it’s far more effective to focus on things you can help with.
Hi Barbara – that is true. Often people don’t even need you to listen – just be there for them. When people are in a whole lot of pain, they’re often too exhausted to speak anyway. Knowing that someone is there for them is really important.
Sometimes…yes. I have struggled. I recall a time in high school when a friend was hurt in a tennis accident. He was at home for a couple of weeks I believe. I never visited him. To this day, I feel guilty about it. It didn’t ruin our friendship, but I should have visited him.
I try to do better now. And I don’t have any suggestions. This is still a weak area for me. And, your post reminds me I should spend more time understanding why.
Lance’s last blog post..What Are We Missing?
Re: Those type of comments always made me cringe. It implied that folk who did those type of jobs had no feelings or compassion at all. I could never work in a children’s hospital, and my daughter tried to work in a nursing home once, but couldn’t. This is because we know ourselves and that in these situations we know we would be overwhelmed with sadness. However, this in no way implies that that people who work in these jobs are without feelings or compassions. Actually, they probably exude it. But, they are able to still perform the job through whatever coping skills they have. There maybe things that I can do, that they can’t.
Do I deliberately avoid the ugliness of humanity. Sometimes yes. I will not watch Schindler’s List, although I understand it is a brilliant movie. I will not watch anything to do with Vietnam; I refuse to watch Apocolypse Now even though Heart of Darkness is one of my all time favourite books. We cannot possibly absorb it all. We have to pick and chose. I do not deny the existence of the Holocaust nor Vietnam, and I will certainly do my best to promote understanding across cultures and religion. However, I simply cannot bring myself to watch images of the devastation to human life from these two events. I get too upset.
Urban Panther’s last blog post..A sacred space
I think Urban Panther has it exactly right. We pick and choose. To not watch Schindlers List or read ANOTHER article about the holocaust does not mean we are burying our head in the sand. I’ve been to Dachau and it was a bloody traumatic day for both me and my sister. It had us up talking all night about how ordinary people living around this camp ignored what was happening and went about their business. It was horrifying and depressing and I can still close my eyes today and feel the dead energy of the place. And that wasn’t even Aushwitz!
I’ve also studied history extensively so I know about lots of things I can’t change. What I suggest is that once we have knowledge and can pass it on, that we preserve ourselves by dealing with the world in a manner which we can handle. And some people have trouble not taking on board everyone else’s pain, so they should not wallow for too long it. That doesn’t mean we ignore it. It’s not 100 or 0.
Great article, Cath.
Kel xx
Kelly@SHE-POWER’s last blog post..When Kindness Becomes Stupidity
Cath: There’s so much sadness in this world that sometimes you want to turn off the news forever and never read another newspaper in your life. But you can’t look away when others are suffering. Even if all you do is send a small donation to help in some tiny, tiny way, or even send a prayer their way, the only hope some of these people have is that others are watching.
Marelisa’s last blog post..30 Ways to Increase Your Creativity
Hi UP – Sorry I understand that not all people couldn’t do those type of jobs and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s very difficult to get everything in such a small amount of space but I’ve had people add comments like: “children’s nurse must have no feelings” etc. Probably I should have explained better.
I guess you feel a lot like Kelly does then. Watching too many awful things upsets you too much and you have to pick and choose or it would get too much. I can understand that – I would never suggest that folk surround themselves by doom and gloom 24/7.
Hi Kelly – As you said – people actually lived around those places and actually ignored what was going on. I guess many of them probably felt quite helpless as they felt they didn’t have the power to stop it. I wonder how they coped with living in that situation?
Hi Mare – I feel much the same why you do – it’s not like anyone likes seeing others suffering. But as you said – the only hope some of these people have is that others are watching.
I’ve had PTSD too in the past and really you just shut down from the pain. Your mind says enough. And if you are lucky enough not to be in a war situation you can walk away. I suppose PTSD is akin to suffering the emotional fallout of war without the bombs exploding around you. It is like an emotional ticking bomb about to go off. Very painful.
I remember watching Saving Private Ryan in the theatre and I actually had to get up and leave during the D-Day scene where the soldiers were coming to the beach in Normandy. I started having an anxiety attack and I felt like I was there. So I left.
I will never ever watch Sophie’s Choice. Or anything that is too violent for that matter.
But I understand what your saying – disengaging from the pain to help others. I think some people probably can do this better than others.
Other’s pain reminds us of our own. I’ve found I’ve had to sit with my own pain for awhile before I can help anyone.
This really is a difficult subject and a very good one to bring up. Thanks Cath.
Ellen Wilson’s last blog post..How to Critique a Short Story
Hi Ellen – It’s awful how tv programs trigger, films etc can trigger that kind of reaction in PTSD sufferers isn’t it? It must be difficult having to walk out of a cinema when you’re feeling like that.
I must admit – sudden noises can sometimes still get to me now. If someone bangs on the door loudly – I jump out of my skin. That’s one of the reasons I discourage folk from just popping round.
It is a difficult subject isn’t it? And as you say, some people probably find it easier to disengage from other people’s pain.
@Cath and Ellen – quite a few of the Urbane Lion’s clients suffer from PTSD. To be honest, I have never paid it much attention until he started coming home with daily stories. All I can say is hugs to both of you.
Urban Panther’s last blog post..Out of gas
Hi Urban Panther – Thanks. I’m so much better now than I was years ago – but there’s certain things that won’t go away.
It’s great that people like Urbane Lion are helping folk to recover though. I’m betting there’s thousands of people out there who really need help and don’t know who to ask.
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