If You’re Broken Too Long – It’s Hard To Fix Yourself

September 14, 2009

Hearing that someone wrote their first novel in only 3 months, could be a great motivator for a writer – unless that writer happens to be depressed. And when you feel so bad that you can barely even write your own name; you really don’t want to hear that Stephanie Meyer dreamed, wrote and published Twilight in only six months.

As depressed as I was, I prayed that I might also dream an awesome story. And I thought my prayer had been answered. But it turned out that it was only the new wonder drug my GP had prescribed causing me to hallucinate.

Well, I’ve never taken LSD, so the hallucinations were kind of fun. But I don’t think I can base a novel on polar bears playing football with a giant orange.

Anyway, the hallucinations have stopped and the miracle pill is beginning to work well enough for me to tell you one thing and it’s this: If you’re broken too long, it’s hard to fix yourself. And I should know – I tried for long enough. It’s not that I didn’t want to get well – I simply wanted to fix myself, without medication.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that I tried a whole bunch of things from self hypnosis to herbal remedies, the Silva Life System and a Light Box. And don’t get me wrong, some of those products helped me a lot. But they didn’t give me the the miracle cure I was looking for.

Also, as great as products like the Silva Life System are – it’s virtually impossible to force yourself to use them when you’ve hit rock bottom.

So for me, I think the best bet for now is to keep on taking my new medication and hope that it takes full effect soon and start using things like the Silva System again when I feel well enough.

As for Stephanie Meyer, you can read about how she wrote and published her first novel here: The Story Behind Twilight. I haven’t read her books yet but they’ve turned my daughter into an avid reader. I just hope that she’ll eventually come round to the idea that vampires don’t really exist and it wouldn’t be a great idea to become one.

I can’t write when I’m really depressed and I don’t read much either but yesterday, I began looking at some pictures and reading a few blog posts and here’s a few things that made me feel a lot better:

I loved reading Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes by Dot Hage at Deeper Issues. Dot has had a rough year, so it was inspiring to read about the positive changes she’s made recently, including a whole new image and a new design for her blog.

Even when Davina Haisell says she’s struggling to write, I love reading her words. And I enjoyed reading about her trip to a small island off the coast of West Vancouver in At The End Of The Day and Island Thyme Bed & Breakfast.

Mike Goad and his wife Karen travel round the American National Parks in their RV and take the most amazing pictures. You’ve got to see this awesome pic of a bull elk and these beautiful pics of Rocky Mountain National Park.

I love bears and this beautiful picture of a mother bear and her cub and CG Walter’s story about a bear encounter – Into The Mist, lifted my spirits.

Posted by cathlawson | Filed Under Misc

Comments

23 Responses to “If You’re Broken Too Long – It’s Hard To Fix Yourself”

Davina on September 14th, 2009 2:48 am

You’re such a sweetheart Cath, and I’ve missed you. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been going through a rough time. I understand wanting to fix yourself because it can be difficult to reach out and ask for help. I hope you have a good strong support system around you.

I read that bear story of CG’s. I would have you-know-whated in my pants if I’d seen that bear. I’m terrified of that ever happening and yet I still go hiking anyway. Thanks for sharing my links — I’m glad you enjoyed the writing. Hugs

Davina’s last blog post..Island Thyme Bed & Breakfast
Lillie Ammann on September 14th, 2009 4:37 am

Cath,

It’s natural to want to do-it-yourself, but sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is get help.

I have a relative who suffered with depression for a very long time before she finally gave up and started taking medication. I will never forget the day she visited me and saw a squirrel playing in the tree in our front yard. She said that was the first moment of pleasure she’d had in years-just watching a squireel scamper up and down the tree trunk. She’s fine now, though still takes medication.

If you need medication to get better, then take it. And know you have friends who care about you and are rooting for you.

Lillie Ammann’s last blog post..By: [1]?????? ??? ????? do follow | ???? ?????
Barbara Swafford on September 14th, 2009 5:18 am

Hi Catherine,

I hate hearing you’re not feeling your best. Hopefully the medication you’re on now will be the right one.

I know it must be difficult for you to be away from blogosphere, as you’re the one who always encouraged me, cheered me on and showed me how much fun blogging can be.

If there’s anything I can do to ease your load, please do not hesitate to contact me.

((Hugs)) to you, my friend.

You are missed.

Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..The 15 Minute Post
cathlawson on September 14th, 2009 6:56 am

Thanks Davina and you’re welcome for the links. I suck at asking for help and I avoid people when I’m feeling ill.

I think I would have felt the same if I’d seen that bear. You read all this advice about fighting back if it’s a black bear and playing dead if it’s a grizzly but I think I would just freeze. It would be nice to see one from a comfortable distance though.

Hi Lillie – Thank you. It is brilliant that your friend is well again. It’s horrid to stop feeling pleasure in anything before and it’s something that’s very difficult to admit. She should continue taking the medication if it’s working for her. I wish I hadn’t stopped taking mine in 2003 but that’s another story.

Hi Barbara – Thanks – you have done the same for me too. This one already seems to be beginning to work and I’m really hopeful. Many of the side effects have worn off.

I have felt out of the loop and I find it difficult because I miss people but at the same time, I feel the need to avoid everyone. But don’t worry – I’m not going to quit blogging.
Joanna Young on September 14th, 2009 7:11 am

Cath, I’m sorry you’ve been having such a hard time. I’m glad you’ve found some help that seems to be helping and that the side effects are wearing off.

Thanks for letting us know where you’re at

Joanna
x

Joanna Young’s last blog post..Intention and Possibility: Part 2 of a 3 Part Series on the Language of Possibility
Kelvin Kao on September 14th, 2009 7:19 am

I don’t know that much about depression and motivations, but sometimes, the right medicine can give you a push into where you want to be and you might be able to stay there on your own. If you are looking for a building that’s 100 miles away, it’s hard; but if someone drops you off in the right area, you can find the building in no time.

Kelvin Kao’s last blog post..One Thousand and One Nights of Stupidity: Play Him Off
J.D. Meier on September 14th, 2009 7:49 am

Have you read Feeling Good, by Dr. Burns? It’s not an easy read, but it’s got some of the best patterns and practices for feeling good on the planet. It’s an action-guide full of insights and ah-has that will change your life. He’s poured his life learnings into a handbook.

J.D. Meier’s last blog post..The Power of Patterns and Practices
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach on September 14th, 2009 9:23 am

So good to see you back!! Every challenging thing thru which we go gives us yet even more insights into our own personal strengths and weaknesses…and THAT will always be valuable for building us up for the future to come.

Lots of empathy, I’ve walked your path in the past as well. Many good thoughts are flying at you from this side of the pond!

Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach’s last blog post..Today’s Humor – True Love….There She Is! Part 1
Barbara the Virtual Coach's Journal - Page 11 on September 14th, 2009 9:36 am

[...] of Followers in Twitter | Blogging with Chris How to Research Keywords for Your Business Blog If You’re Broken Too Long – It’s Hard To Fix Yourself | Catherine Lawson Intention and Possibility: Part 2 of a 3 Part Series on the Language of Possibility | Confident [...]
Dot on September 14th, 2009 11:04 am

Oh, Cath, I wish I’d known. I would have written to you more often. Depression often isn’t something you can fix yourself, as you know, especially when it gets that bad. I know how you feel about not telling anyone. It’s hard to feel like you’re just spreading doom and gloom.

I was scared of depression medication when I first decided to use it, after an acquaintance who was depressed committed suicide. The first one I took made me so dizzy I almost fell in the shower. Others had various other side-effects. One made me so falsely energized that I was exhausted but still zooming around.

Times I’ve had to taper off and be without, I learned that I really need this medication permanently — there’s something chemically missing, apparently, or it has been destroyed by my childhood experiences. I take it gladly because without it I’m either raging or crying and feeling hopeless. So I understand the need for it, both situational and chemical.

I’m going to send you my number so we can talk, if you like. Thanks for the link love. I’m so glad my blog played a small part in helping you come out of that awful place.

((((((Hugs)))))

Dot

Dot’s last blog post..Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
Brad Shorr on September 14th, 2009 2:05 pm

Cath, You really have been through a lot this year and I wish there was some way I could help. Thank goodness you are feeling better now, and I hope your healing continues stronger every day. It’s nice to have you back!

Brad Shorr’s last blog post..How to Research Keywords for Your Business Blog
Betsy Wuebker on September 14th, 2009 4:19 pm

Hi Cath – You’ve been such a great support to Pete and me and to others as we’ve traveled our journey that “sorry” isn’t sufficient to describe how I feel about your having a rough road. I think it’s pretty awesome that you’re willing to share this patch with your readers.

Most of us have had the feeling that we need to go “into our cave” and hibernate a bit, and then emerge into a new beginning. I’m not sure if that’s a good way to fix yourself or not, but I can certainly relate to not wanting to repeat the broken record when folks ask how you’re doing. Depression is just so damned depressing, isn’t it?

The low points I’ve experienced have only dissipated when I was too sick of myself to continue in the same way, and so the breakthrough was self-engineered. A chemical assist, such as the one you’re using, might have altered things sooner and more expediently, with less overall fallout in my life. I’m glad you’re battling back and that you’ve called in the cavalry. All these helpful, supporting hands as demonstrated here can offer a boost out of the abyss, too.

Much love to you. xox

Betsy Wuebker’s last blog post..REMEMBERING
natural on September 14th, 2009 6:04 pm

sorry to read that you continue to go through a rough time. the meds are there to help, even if you don’t want to take them. if they made you feel better and less depressed, that’s a benefit. hope things start to look up for you.

i wish i could write a book in 3 months. it takes forever to find an agent as well.

natural’s last blog post..Herstory In the Making
vered on September 14th, 2009 9:08 pm

I’m glad you’re feeling better. I missed you.
Patricia on September 15th, 2009 12:08 am

Cath,
I am so glad that the side effects are wearing away and that you are feeling better. I truly know how hard it is to reach out and up and move on and on….so many folks stop taking medications when they feel better and better and then wait a long time to take them again – it is a whole side effect of so many complaints we have as humans.

In my PTSD work with women in the military, my role is to be a safe listener and remind folks about medications and for many soldier’s the steps they need to take when they get back home. I am very anonymous and never meet any of them, but they all stop taking meds when they feel better – everyone.

I want to isolate myself about attempting to get 100 pounds off this body that hates to let go, then I decided to go public – tomorrow’s post…..maybe I can help someone else.

I still can not talk on blog or in person about being my child’s Oppositional Defiant Disorder Victim or much about all the abuse my sister heaped on my baby soul = I will talk about how much money I have spent on both people in a heart beat – good money on my child – lawyer money and safety money on my sister…

At 16 when my child refused to follow eating protocols and exercise programs to control herself and we had installed a security alarm to keep her in we started using medications – she is still on Adderall
I am saddened to say that 2 weeks is too long to be with her for me and she still falls apart.

ONE must talk to someone to overcome and heal…..regularly….

I missed you fiercely….Let’s both just burn up the blogosphere with our healing words…?
Challenge – 1 time a week a post about healing….
took you a long time to get to this point – yep it takes a long time to get on with it….

Let’s agree to meet up at the B&B that Davina wrote about? How’s that idea?

hugs all round you glad to have you back

Patricia’s last blog post..Computer Glitch
Robin on September 15th, 2009 3:21 am

Hi Cath – I think healing ourselves is a long-term project, and it makes perfect sense to use whatever is available to pull ourselves up to a place where we can function, including drugs. The hallucinations sound interesting! – and thanks for the info on the speedy novelist.

Robin’s last blog post..Immortality Of The Body
cathlawson on September 15th, 2009 8:55 am

Thanks Joanna – I’m not missing most of the side effects but some of the hallucinations were kind of fun.

Hi Kelvin – Thanks – I like the building metaphor – it makes a lot of sense.

Hi J.D – You always recommend great books, so I’ll check that one out – thanks.

Thanks Barbara – and I didn’t forget that I promised to write you a testimonial.

Hi Dot – Thanks. I wish they would tell folk about the initial side effects and let them know it’s only for a short while. So many people must take one or two pills and give up.

I agree – some of us probably need to take these pills forever. I know they’re not 100% certain that they work by sending your limited serotonin to the right part of your brain but it certainly works for me.

I’m trying to combine these with the light box as that is meant to increase serotonin levels. If only the sun would shine more – I wouldn’t need the box.

Your post really cheered me up by the way. Seeing the changes you have made is v inspiring.

Hi Brad – Thank you. Just knowing that folk like you are there for me makes all the difference.

Hi Betsy – Thanks. You crack me up: “Depression is just so damned depressing, isn’t it.” I know I shouldn’t laugh but it’s so true that it’s hilarious.

V true about the chemical assist. But I’m betting lots of people just try to cope without it, until they’re too ill to do a thing. And what you said about helping hands is so true – it really makes a huge difference.

Thanks Valerie – Three months was amazing wasn’t it – and an agent within an other three. The funny thing was it was twice the length of a regular book too. I can’t even think that fast.

Hi Vered – Thank you. I missed you too.

Hi Patricia – I guess a lot of people wait to long to take the pills again, as you say. I was v happy taking mine. In 2003, I was taking some brilliant pills.

Then my ex-husband wound up in hospital and I found myself trying to go to work, keep an eye on his business, visit him in hospital two or three times a day and look after the kids all at the same time.

Well I forgot to take the pills for two or three days and I was scared to start taking them again, as I was too busy to suffer the initial side effects. For a year or so I managed to battle on without them. But since then I’ve gradually felt worse and worse.

When it happens, I really think you try to ignore the fact that you’re getting ill again, cos you don’t want to admit it. So many people must do that. And I self medicated – which is fatal.

I’m looking forward to your post. I really admire the amount of research you have done into PTSD and it’s good to hear things from a carers perspective.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder is something I need to read up on. I’m betting we call it something else over here in the UK. But it sounds tough to deal with.

Meeting at that B&B sounds like a fab idea.

Hi Robin – I think you’re right – it’s certainly not easy. The hallucinations were interesting – I think I probably watch the BBC Lonely Planet videos too much
Marelisa on September 15th, 2009 6:47 pm

Hi Cath: I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through a difficult time. I’ve read “Twilight” and “New Moon” and although Stephanie Meyer is not a great writer, she definitely knows how to keep readers entertained.

Marelisa’s last blog post..The 100 Day Finish Strong Challenge
Steve Errey - The Confidence Guy on September 15th, 2009 7:01 pm

I’ve been on some crazy-side-effect inducing anti-depressants too, but I never got the polar bears or giant oranges

It’s tough, no doubt about it. Sometimes the best thing to do isn’t to try to fix it, but just to notice it, even to just learn to be still with it, to experience it.

I wish you all the best Catherine.

Hugs.

Steve Errey – The Confidence Guy’s last blog post..Scared to Change? Embrace Your Inner Wimp
John Hoff - WP Blog Host on September 16th, 2009 10:58 pm

I echo what everyone else is saying and we’re all here for you. I’m glad to hear your getting back on track. And you know, I bet bears playing football with oranges could be used for something…..

To help lighten things up, here are two videos of me messing up my video blogging. Might give you a few laughs:

How To Install WordPress Outtakes & Deleted Scenes

Blogging Bloopers, Outtakes, & Deleted Scenes 2

Good to see you back online.
Mike Goad on September 16th, 2009 11:31 pm

I’m sorry to hear of your troubles and glad to see you posting and commenting again.

Thanks for the links to my pages

A very close relative recently told us that she was being treated for depression. She is now on meds and is more like her old self. She never told us before because she was afraid we would be disappointed in her. (She’s not the only one who has told us something similar — her cousin said the same thing about getting a divorce…, she was afraid we’d be disappointed.) It’s nice to be held in high regard by family, but not when people are unwilling to tell you important things where you might be able to be of some help.

We have been away from wifi for nearly a week. I will answer your questions about Yellowstone and Rocky Mountain National Park next week some time — after we get home. We still have two days of travel and are currently near Las Vegas, New Mexico.
cathlawson on September 17th, 2009 2:46 am

Thanks Mare – I didn’t read the books yet but my daughter is obsessed with them. I will have to check them out.

Hi Steve – Thank you. The hallucinations were definitely the weirdest side effect I’ve experienced. If you wanted to ask your doctor if it would be worth your while trying them – the drug is Cymbalta (duloxetine)

Thanks John – Maybe I could write something for Disney? I’m looking forward to watching these. But I can’t imagine you screwing up too much.

Thanks Mike and you’re welcome for the links. Your pics always cheer me up.

It’s a shame your relatives were afraid to confide in you. When it comes to things like depression, I think sometimes folk try to get help. And if they’re rejected, because their friend or relative is afraid of depression, or doesn’t understand etc, it puts them off asking anyone else.
Chris Peterson on September 29th, 2009 11:32 am

Cath,
I personally think that that dream of bears is cute. However, I think it’s one helluva hard vicious circle to break when you are way to low. I feel very strongly that as tough as the process may sound, when nothing is working, to keep moving on & fight till you succeed

Chris Peterson’s last blog post..Follow Your Passion, Your Dreams!