What Would You Tell Your 12 Year Old Self?
December 19, 2009
On Wednesday night, my 12 year old daughter ran away from home. She packed her little bag, crept down the stairs, squeezed through a tiny window and stole into the darkness.
Blame Canada – that is what we argued about before she left. We’re planning to immigrate to Canada next year. And sometimes the idea of all the snow, skiing and ice skating excites her.
Other times, she doesn’t want to go at all – usually after she’s been talking to friends who simply can’t live without her. Hey, she might not even be in touch with those friends in five years time, but how can she let them down?
Anyway, Wednesday was one of those “Evil Canada” nights.
“I can have just as good a future right here, as I’d have in Canada,” she said.
I pointed out that we live in a low paid area, with more sheep shaggers than skilled jobs, no proper university and house prices that are so inflated, she’d never be able to afford a mortgage.
“Well, I don’t care,” she argued. “Josh and I just want to stay here and have ordinary lives – we don’t care about a better future.”
I told her, as a good parent, it is my job to ensure you do have a better future by making sure you:
Learn to take risks.
Get a good education.
Never Say That Awful 4 Letter “C” Word.
Move away from a country where leaving school at 16 is the norm.
Find a place to live near a good university, so their education doesn’t get them into debt.
Avoid being surrounded by folk who have no ambition beyond working in a dead end job.
After that, they’re free to do what they want. And if Canada really sucks, they can go live somewhere more appealing, like Moron, Buenos Aires.
“But Josh doesn’t want to leave his girlfriend and it’s not fair of you to say he doesn’t know what love is at 15. How would you know?” she shouted.
Of course, I’m far too old and past it to remember being 15. And how could I not want my son to leave school at 16 and move in with a girl? I guess I’ve got to be the world’s most irresponsible mother.
Then came the part that really stung.
“And there’s no point in going for you to have a better future. You’re old – you’re 40, so you’re not going to do anything else with your life now.”
We found the note on her bed in the morning and we called the police right away. We live in the middle of nowhere, it was 5 degrees below freezing outside. Had she frozen to death? Or had some paedophile picked her up on the road?
After a couple of hours of frantic searching and expecting the worst, the police called to say Jessica had walked to a friend’s house, stayed there the night, then got on the bus and gone to school.
We were so relieved and after I got over the initial shock, I started thinking about what she said before she ran away. When you’re a kid, it’s hard to think realistically about the future. Heck, when I was in my early twenties, I thought 30 was past it. So to a 12 year old, 40 is ancient – you’ve got one foot in the grave.
If you could go back in time – what advice would you give to your 12 year old self?
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Comments
33 Responses to “What Would You Tell Your 12 Year Old Self?”
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Hi Cath: I remember when I was very young and I would ask myself how old I would be in the year 2000, and the answer was 29. I would think, “Wow, that’s sooooo old.” To a 12 year old, 40 is ancient, but in reality you still have your best years ahead of you.
It must have been really scary to wake up to a note saying that your child ran away from home in the middle of the night. I’m glad she didn’t get very far.
You keep looking for a better future for your children, and for you.
Marelisa’s last blog post..50 Quotes on Living A Life of Adventure
LOL Mare – I used to do that too – I was 31 and the thought terrified me.
It was scary. I knew she must have been gone for a while, as I got up at 4am and it was 7.20am when I realized she’d gone.
Scary stuff! You must have been sick with worry. It’s a tough one because it sounds like your planned move is for all the right reasons, but it will be hard on the kids at their age. Can you get them over to Canada in the meantime to see what their life will be like?
Advice I would give to my 12 year old self? TRY EVERYTHING!
Mike CJ’s last blog post..Introduction to Affiliate Marketing
Hi Catherine,
I’m happy to hear your daughter is safe and sound.
I agree, it’s hard for a young girl of 12 to understand when their parents are looking out for their best interests, but they don’t see it. I like Mike’s idea of vacationing to Canada so they can see it for themselves, and maybe even meet some kids their age.
If not in person, maybe they could make friends with other children in Canada via a social networking site and talk peer to peer.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..The Shortest Lesson Ever
Cath,
Wow, that has to be scary, waking up to a note saying your child is gone. So glad to hear everything is okay.
I would tell my 12 year old self a couple of things: (1) Don’t sweat the small stuff (and it’s almost all small stuff). and (2) see the possibiltiies in life and all the moments.
Lance’s last blog post..The Upside of Life (And Holiday Celebration!)
Hi Cath – I’d tell my 12 year old self that anything I imagined my life to turn out to be, no matter how fantastic or improbable, was nothing compared with the real adventures that transpired. Oh, and I’m 55 and still managing to dodder around without a drool cup, thank you.
I think our franchisee in Calgary may have a daughter around 12 years of age (perhaps younger?). I know she was going to email you directly as she was very familiar with your area, as well as having lived in Scotland. At the very least she would support you for your reasons, having made a similar move. Maybe the girls could Facebook, like Barbara suggested.
When Pete and I got engaged, the teenagers among our five all managed to have varying degrees of snap. There was high drama of one sort or another for a couple of YEARS. Seriously, we had the nerve to ruin their lives with change! Our children are still living four years later despite our audacity – although it was dicey, as I could have cheerfully dispensed with the entire lot of them at one time or another in the early days. I did often remind mine to put whatever on their list of issues for adult therapy, and as a parent part of my job was to ensure their misery.
You could remind Jessica that when she’s 18, she can do as she likes, and by then, her ideas about how to live her life will likely be completely different altogether.
Betsy Wuebker’s last blog post..Soothing Scrubs – A Great Gift to Make or Keep for Yourself
I am only 19, but I am much different than when I was 12. I would simply say to myself to be a better and more responsible person, because during high school, I lost my working routines and regular duty schedule, and I started doing all those bad things like cheating on the exams, deceiving teachers and so on.
Now, when I am on the university, I see the impact of such lazy lifestyle, because I can’t concentrate enough on studying and focusing my attention and efforts on one thing at a time…
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Cath,
I am very glad to hear that you’re daughter is Ok – no doubt you would have been worried sick.
Whilst your daughter will no doubt find the move somewhat unsettling, over the longer term, the chance to live in another country represents a wonderful opportunity for her. I bet when she’s thirty, she will be telling you how glad she is that you made the move.
What would I tell myself if I could be twelve again? For one thing, I would advise myself against a ‘temporary break’ that I decided to have with regard to girls after breaking up with my primary school girlfriend. Why – because I’m thirty three and still in that ‘temporary break,’ which is now entering it’s twenty second year!
What else – perhaps that people in their thirties are not ‘over the hill’ as I would have thought at that age.
Andrew’s last blog post..Niger Delta Crisis – Big Oil’s Big Lesson
I’m glad she’s safe.
I don’t know what it would be like in Calgary, — or wherever you end up in Canada — but here in the US, in most places, a British accent is usually cool. I suspect it’ll be the same in western Canada and other kids may want to get to know the new “English” kids. They may find that that will help break the ice in making new friends.
Of course, forty is NOT old from my perspective.
What advice would I give my 12 year-old self?
“Embrace the possibilities of the future. Study hard and work hard so that you can take advantage of life. Value the memories of the past, but don’t let them restrict your future.”
Mike Goad’s last blog post..Mesa Top
(Left this message on facebook for you but wanted to join the conversation.being a parent of teens is the most challenging time of parenthood!)..Take heart…I too was that rebellious 12 year old who ran away from home because I wanted to live life on my own terms. ( I stayed gone for 3 days…my poor mother…) The good news is she won’t stay 12. ( I have one at home the same age right now…I am reminding us both!)
What I will say is stick to your guns. Its a mother’s job to raise loving, kind, responsible citizens of the world who give back and make the world a better place. It’s not our job to be their entertainment committee. True happiness comes from knowing you have value and can give value to others. Don’t let her derail you from teaching her that.
Wendi Kelly~Life’s Little Inspirations’s last blog post..How to Live a Great Life
Ah, dealing with preteens and teens must be the toughest things in the world! But I like the part she went to school just as usual, rather than fooling around in downtown or something.
Now let’s see. Do you talk about money with your kids? So what kind of jobs are available at where you are for high school grads? How much do they make? And how does that money stretch to buy things? Are your kids happy with the prospects of their future this way?
You might also want to encourage them to get a job and buy things like clothes, school supplied, etc. with that money.
I know this is a shallow, “motivational” approach, but in this case, this might do the trick.
Oh, and here is a video of what great fun activities are available in Canada. (top of the posts)
http://www.lifelaughsandlemmings.com/
Good luck,
Akemi
Akemi – Yes to Me’s last blog post..Motivation vs Inspiration
Cath, you must have been worried sick for your little girl. Having a child run away is scary enough, but for it to happen in winter time with verrry cold weather, you must have been terrified.
I don’t think I can remember being 12 years old anymore, but my family moved pretty often due to my father’s job while I was growing up, so after awhile I learned to deal with it.
It can be very hard at that age, but once the move takes place and the kids get settled in with some new friends, it will all be for the better. Hang in there!
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I can’t believe the parents didn’t call you!
vered | blogger for hire’s last blog post..Peanut Butter Cookies
Oh Cath, I am so glad your daughter is okay! I would tell my 12 year old self to lighten up for what seems life altering today will be forgotten in a year. Then again, it wasn’t until around 40 that I fully grasped it myself. With a few years under my belt, life finally took on a different perspective. So, maybe I’d said, keep a journal because one day this will make for great reading!
Karen Swim’s last blog post..The 5 Things I Hate About Social Media | Search Engine People Blog
I would have told myself to run as far away from the cult religion I was brought up in since birth. I had no idea how much it would affect my life as a young adult. I thought that was the be all end all of life and if I didn’t conform 100% to their teachings, I was done for. Nothing else in life was worth living for.
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Oh dear, Cath. You have quite the problems on your hands with your children, don’t you?
Stick to your guns. Your daughter can’t possibly understand now as she does not have the wisdom that comes with age and experience. Please know that eventually she will.
For now, it is your job as a parent to make proper decisions and keep your family safe. Why not have a conversation? Not a lecture, but a conversation where you both talk and listen (not just hear) what is on the other one’s mind? Address her as honestly as you can with the understanding that she can’t possibly fathom what your years of experience have taught you. Speak to her at her level of understanding, not yours. (I know – easier said than done – but it is possible.)
Finally, there must be consequences for her behavior. Setting limits and enforcing discipilne must be consistent and enforced. You must somehow make the “punishment fit the crime, ” so that she never behaves in this way again.
With all of the jobs that you do, you are now doing the toughest job that I know od on earth: parenting. You are NOT irresponsible. You are doing your job in the best way that you can.
To answer your question about what my 12-year old self would do in such a situation is quite simple: listen to my mother, which is what I did. As a parent myself, that is the only possible answer that I believe one can give.
Good luck!
Rita’s last blog post..Ode to Bianca
Sounds like I wouldn’t be able to tell anything to my 12-year-old self — I wouldn’t have listened to my 32-year-old past-it self!
Our little girl is just 4 months old, but I still can’t imagine what would happen if we woke up and she was gone. I guess as a parent it’s like everything else — you just deal with it — but I still can’t imagine your anguish.
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I’m so relieved your daughter wasn’t harmed during her “adventure” Cath! As a parent I can feel the terror you must have experienced.
Looking back I would tell myself at age 12 to
Try out for the high school musical.
Try out for cheer as a freshman not later.
Go to your high school and college graduations — if only for your parents’ sake (I thought it was too boring to participate)
Travel as much as possible starting now.
Don’t try to look like the models in 17 magazine because the photos are retouched not real!
From what I’ve read here you are being a fabulous parent and don’t doubt yourself on that score! When our son told us in high school we were “the meanest parents on earth” we figured we were doing something right.
I think social networking and skype will help your kids stay connected with their old friends as they make new friends in Canada. That should help the transition in some way.
If I could go back and talk to my 12 year old self I’d say, “Self, things aren’t always going to be this way. You may hate your parents now, but I can tell you that once you get older, they’ll be your best friends. Hell, you might even forgive them and thank them both for doing such a great job. Be grateful you have them, they’re grateful they have you. Tell them you love them as often as you can, because one day, you won’t be able to.
“Oh, and when you’re around 25 and you meet that really cool guy who you think is the greatest thing since sliced bread, even though he has nothing going for him and your parents can’t stand him? Just say no to the ring, okay? You’ll thank yourself for it.”
Seriously, Cath? This too shall pass. Youth really is wasted on the young and I swear, if you stick to your guns on this, when she grows up, she’ll look back and appreciate everything you’ve done for her. Just keep telling her that you love her. Eventually it will sink in.
Deb Dorchak’s last blog post..Stealthy Customer Service & Marketing: Do You Always Have To Blow Your Own Horn?
I would say:
“There will be a company coming out in a few years called Microsoft. Borrow money from your parents, and invest heavily in it”.
Friar’s last blog post..The Special Cold
Cath,
I’m so glad your daughter is OK.
At 63, I’m way too far over the hill to give any advice to a 12-year-old.
Lillie Ammann’s last blog post..By: Reconnecting With Your Readers, Blogging Style
When I was 12 I thought it would be cool to move from the farm and live in the city. I wanted to be able to walk to school and walk home for lunch. When I was 16 we did move to the city (North Bay) and I barely came out of my room for a week. I missed the farm so much.
I would have told my 12-year-old self to trust my mother and that I would make new friends. I’m glad your daughter is safe Cath.
Davina’s last blog post..Haiku, Take Me Home
Hi Cath .. I read this before anyone else and was shocked and couldn’t think appropriately .. except I did have the same thought that Vered had .. but I guess Jessica had told them – Mum had said it was ok .. and therefore the phone call wasn’t required.
When I lived in South Africa, my cousin was also there with her children (two girls) .. when they came back to the UK, Jessica (coincidentally & also coincidentally now 40!) didn’t want to return .. but her parents said she could come out to be with her friends & she did. She then married Craig a South African .. they stayed for a while, Craig them uprooted sticks aged 25 or so and they came to the UK and started again, then recently they’ve uprooted again and moved to Australia with their children – who love it.
I have friends south of Vancouver with two children, who moved from Kenya, and they love the life …
I had the opportunity at 13 or 14 to go to France .. but I was terrified and didn’t want to go & didn’t – I regret it, as it was an opportunity missed – to learn a language, to appreciate a different way of life ..
The only things I can suggest is get your friends involved, school etc .. talking about the opportunity – wouldn’t others like to to – come over and spend holidays etc learning about Canada and seeing the sites you could visit and in the States, return visits etc, grandparents wanting to come out to visit .. and as Betsy has suggested connect with another over there ..
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Oh Cath, you’ve been through so much this year! I’m glad your daughter is okay, but what a nightmare.
Actually, I’d tell my 12-year-old self I did the right thing. I ran away when I was 12 after a big argument with my mother in which I wasn’t heard at all. Running away was my way of saying, “You’re not hearing me.” I wonder if it’s the same for your daughter.
Here’s a technique my therapist taught me that has worked well with all the kids I’ve tried it with. Instead of being the bad adversary to their wishes, side with them by saying, “I wish you could stay here, too.” Tell her you know how much her friends mean to her, and that she’ll miss them (validate her feelings), and that you really wish it could be different for her. Tell her you understand how unhappy this decision is making her, and add that you know she has mixed feelings about the move, just as you do.
Taking things out of the black/white, bad/good discussion into the more varying feelings, with full support for her right to feel the way she does, should help a lot. The decision is still yours and your husband’s, but then she knows you hear her.
LOL Mike – Jess says she hopes her brother doesn’t read your comment, or he will take the “try everything” part literally.
Hi Barbara – I think that’s good advice. But Jess thinks you’re mad. She won’t talk to strangers on social networking, as she sees them all as potential paedophiles. It’s a shame cos it would have been a great idea.
Hi Lance – great advice. Jess half admitted it was ok too.
Hi Betsy – LOL – that is exactly what I told her. I’m glad I didn’t get re-married when mine were teens. That must have been really hard. It was easier with them being a bit younger.
I got the email from your friend in Calgary thank you. I would have got back to her before now, if it wasn’t for all that happened. Jessica read your comment and she is betting that the little girl is closer to 9 or something
Hi Davor – that is really good advice. I was lazy at school too. I guess it makes it far easier to study if you are already into a pattern of working hard.
Thanks Andrew. I don’t know if Jess interpreted what you said exactly right. Later I heard her telling her brother that this Andrew dude mum knows is really sad cos he hasn’t got over his junior school girlfriend and he really needs to move on.
Hi Mike that is really good advice. I explained the accent thing to her but of course she said she wanted to make friends who like her, not her accent. It will be a good icebreaker though.
Thanks Wendi – That is great advice. When Jess read it, she said – well she would say that, she’s American. I’m still trying to figure that one out.
Thanks Akemi – I will try that – it’s important that they understand these things. And thanks for the link to the video – it’s an excellent blog. They both watched it and said it looked like fun but Joshua said, it’s not enough to bribe him into wanting to move.
Thanks Lin – I was scared shitless. Jess has gone to stay at Grandma’s now but I will tell her about how your moving about did you no harm.
Hi Vered – that was my initial reaction when I discovered where she’d been. But apparently, they didn’t even know she was there.
She sneaked her into the house – they went off to work in the morning and her brother’s carer didn’t have a clue that she wasn’t meant to be in the house.
Hi Karen – A journal sounds like a brilliant idea. I was the same as you. It takes a lot of years to realise it’s just not worth worrying and stressing over things.
Hi Carla – I didn’t realise you were brought up in a cult. That must have been an awful experience and I guess you must have been having to totally re-program your own mind ever since. I’m glad you got away.
Hi Rita – great advice. I was trying to have a conversation with her before she ran away. But she refused to talk because she doesn’t want to go and she is afraid I will try to change her mind.
Really, you’re right about punishment though. I didn’t punish her this time, as she said she won’t run away again because it was shit and she was freezing.
Hi Jason – I didn’t know you had a baby. Congratulations. Worrying about your kids is something you never stop doing. I guess you just have to do your best to keep them safe and well.
Thanks Linda – That is great advice. And as you say, social networking and skype are great ways to stay in touch. Years ago, it just wouldn’t have been so easy.
Thanks Deb – When I look back myself, youth really is wasted on the young. I know I wasted mine.
And what you said about the marriage thing is so true. If I could do it all again, there is no way I would get married under the age of 30 to someone who had nothing going for them.
LOL Friar – If only we’d known.
LOL Lillie – thanks.
Thanks Davina – It must have been really weird moving to a city at first. But I’m betting you wouldn’t have found it so easy to move to Vancouver later on, if your mother hadn’t moved you earlier on.
Thanks Hilary – it’s a shame you missed your opportunity to go to France. It’s always the missed opportunities we regret most, rather than the things we’ve done.
Good point about having friends to stay. They have two whole months summer leave in Canada so that would definitely be a possibility.
Thanks Dot – that is a good point. And she did say she did it to make me realise that she didn’t want to go to Canada. That’s the same as wanting to be heard I guess.
I will try out the techniques your therapist suggested. Anything that could help is worth trying.
Cath Lawson’s last blog post..What Would You Tell Your 12 Year Old Self?
I’m glad you got your daughter back safe and sound.
I remember when I was moving, the most important thing to me was my friends I left behind. One of my mentors told me that true friends are there for life, no matter where you are. I didn’t believe him at the time, but it turned out to be true.
That little piece of advice has played in the back of my mind at various points over my life time.
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Hi Cath, My heart goes out to you – what a year, between what just happened with your daughter and your son’s accident. I’m glad everyone is OK. My parents moved across the U.S. when I was 16 and my sister was 14 – it was quite difficult to be dislocated at that age, let me tell you. It worked out in the end, but as you say, at a young age the future is measured in days or weeks, certainly not years. After we moved, my parents tried very hard to be involved in our lives and organize things for us to do as a family. Looking back, I think that made the difference. If I’d have been left to my own devices, I would have gotten in a lot more trouble and been a lot more angry.
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OH my kids are just plain scary at times…often at the same time!
One thing that a friend of mine did was hire a mediator to lead a whole family discussion about their move and the changes they would have to make…then they made a plan of how everyone could feel good and help with the preparations….
I think the more “real” it is often the better for everyone.
My Father lost his job when Kennedy was assassinated and I was turning 16 my sister 17. We moved to Cleveland, Ohio a city of 3million from a state of 3 million. Whole different school system. One of my Aunts realized that my sister was having a very bad time of it…and offered to keep me for the summer before school started, thus I who can embrace change was already learning the ropes of changing in a new situation, and my parents could involve my sister in daily actions of change. She still locked herself in her room for her senior years of school, but with that VIP attention she was ready to move on to college the next year, where she made lifetime friends.
I am so happy about the change because I began to be myself and embrace change at an earlier age….I just took on learning the big city life…so when I got Graduate Work in New York City I could manage and embrace the experience.
I think having someone else guide the conversations helps everyone feel a part of the change…and heard….
friends are hard to leave, but I will say my best friend remained my best friend for 56 years no matter where I lived…until she died of a brain tumor last year.
12 is a time one want to feel secure – but parents have to do what they know is best – with loving care
I wish you good luck….and patience and fabulous conversations about this new venture.
Patricia’s last blog post..Peaceful Service – Practices of Peace
Wow Cath, that is some story and what an experience to go through.
What struck me is whether you stayed this way or not, how composed and calm this whole post was – that is really something that I admire and I was really inspired by you in writing this the way you did.
I am so happy for you that you found her safe and sound.
So for starters, and on a lighter note…..I was just thinking about this the other day as the Boston area and even North Carolina got a massive snow storm. So often people think Canada is that cold, winter place, but that is such a generalization. It really depends where you live. Just because we are more north in some areas, doesn’t mean it is always worse. In fact where I am in southern Ontario, we are more south than several of the States. We have barely had some sprinkles of snow thus far.
So there are lots of fun things to do here, but that will not make that much difference to kids who feel strongly rooted to a certain home and circle of friends.
The only thing I can recommend is talking to them about how easy it will be to stay in touch together using all the social media networks out there today, including Skype!
One thing I can tell you from experience is don’t tell them you are doing this for them. Honestly Cath, whether you are or not, kids come to resent that. My parents moved to Canada when I was a bit younger than your daughter and it wasn’t that I had a problem moving, it was that I was sick and tired of how many “sacrifices” they made for “us”. To a kid that doesn’t make sense. If you are making life harder to make it “supposedly” better, they just don’t get that and frankly don’t care in many ways. To them things are good as they are. So find another way to sell them on the move, maybe the way Akemi mentioned, but try not to say we are doing this for you, so that your life is better because to them the future doesn’t mean much and as far as they see it, life is great just the way it is, without needing to change it.
Good luck.
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Hi JD – Your mentor gave great advice. I moed around a few places in th UK and good friends have stayed friends regardless.
Hi Brad – Thanks. It has been some year – fingers crossed that 2010 is a better one. Organizing stuff to do as a family sounds important. I guess everyone feels isolated when they move somewhere new.
Hi Patricia – It must have been a huge change for you moving to a big city. But it is good that the experience helped you move to New York alone. And a mediator is a pretty good idea.
Hi Evita – Thank you. I’m good at appearing calm but I just sort of switch myself off, so I don’t know how healthy that is.
It is great to get advice from someone who has been in the same situation. And I hear you on the sacrifices thing. It makes me cringe when I hear folk say that to there kids.
Also, it makes sense what you say about making life harder to make it better. I can understand that not making sense to kids at all.
Akemi’s ideas do sound a really good way of selling them on the move. I guess they don’t really understand the cost of living round here and how low the wages are in comparison to other places.
Eek – that’sa hairy moment right there, but your motives should be applauded. Getting to Canada or the US in 2010 is one of my to-do’s also!
What would I say to my 12 year old self? I’d say that I have to listen to myself. I’d say that the little, quiet voice inside is always right, and to never doubt it. I’d say that putting other people’s expectations ahead of that voice is a price too high to pay.
Although, if I’d have taken that advice on board I probably wouldn’t be here having learned what I’ve learned and would have created a time paradox that would threaten to rip apart the space-time continuum.
Steve Errey’s last blog post..Don’t Let Them Put You Down
I feel for you. That you be so terrifying to have a child run away. I empathize with you. I would discuss the situation with a professional counselor and get their opinion.
I would tell my younger self to relax more, and appreciate the lack of responsibilities…
You know there’s a whole website devoted to what people would tell their younger selves, or their high school selves at least, highschoolself.com