How to Annoy Your Customers in Eight Easy Steps.

July 20, 2007

If you want to lose your customers, and stop them from spending another penny with you ever again, here’s a few great customer service tips to get you started.

Over promise and underdeliver. Tell them you’ll have the picture they ordered with them by tomorrow, even though you know you haven’t got a hope of getting it there, for three days. Of course - you could always tell them you’ll have it to them within three days then get it there within two, but that will impress them too much. You want to lose your customers right?

Tell them small lies, then they’ll either think you’re totally incompetent or they’ll never believe another word they say. For instance - if you’ve screwed up, and their order won’t reach them when it was supposed to - tell them the system wiped their details.  That way, they’ll either think you’re being dishonest, or your system is inadequate. Likewise if you’re a service business and you fail to turn up in time, the best way to lose your customer is to wait until they call then tell them you broke down on the way. Don’t whatever you do ring them to let them know you’re running late. Much better to let them think you’re vehicles are past their best - or that you tell lies.

Don’t put things right immediately when your customers have a complaint about your product or service. Better still, don’t put things right at all.  It’s best if your staff tell the customer they’ll have to speak to you when they have a complaint. Then just make sure you’re not available when they call, and never, under any circumstances, return their calls.

Whilst you’re busy ignoring their calls - it’s a good idea to send them a letter or card telling them how much you value their custom. Keep it brief and don’t mention the complaint in question. And whatever you do - never, under any circumstance address the letter to them personally though - always address it Dear Sir, or Madam, or To Whom it May Concern.

As soon as they’ve purchased something from you - send an offer for a 50% discount on the exact same product or service. That way, you’re sure to annoy them so much that they never buy from you again, because they know you’re willing to sell the very same item to everyone else for half what they paid.

To piss them off even more - don’t restrict yourself to letters - do send plenty of emails to, and it may also be worth getting a temp to make a few telesales calls to them to try to sell them more stuff.

If an unhappy customer does manage to catch up with you - never admit responsibility or try to put things right. Blame an employee, the Royal Mail or even God for their problem, and of course, if you weren’t the cause of the problem, you’re not going to put it right are you.

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Posted by cathlawson | Filed Under Mistakes 

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