How to Shoot Your Customers Part I: Mrs Moaner
July 27, 2007
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Most of my customers are lovely, but every now and again we get one who’s a real pain in the a.. . If you’re just starting out in business, you may be desperate to get as many customers as you can, no matter how bad they are. I made the same mistake, and paid for it. Here’s some examples of customers who I have personally shot, and I’ll show you why you should shoot these types too, if they turn up at your business.
Mrs Moaner
Mrs Moaner should have been shot a lot sooner than she was, but we foolishly decided to give her a chance. This was a bad move, as right before I shot her, she even resorted to stalking one of our team members. Firstly, Mrs Moaner wanted far more done than was agreed in our initial quote - in fact, we ended up having to rebuild two bathrooms for her, walls and all. In return, she complained about the length of time the job had taken. She complained about everything, and although she was supposed to pay for her bathroom suite before we installed it, she complained about that too, and even called our suppliers and asked how much money we owed them. She also asked our team personal questions about us, and even wanted to know who had loaned us the money to start the business.
Then she became a stalker
This should have been the final straw, but Stuart felt sorry for Mr Moaner, who appeared to be embarrassed by his wife’s behaviour, and agreed to continue working. Then Mrs Moaner recruited some Polish tilers, and our plumber explained that there just wasn’t room to work in a small bathroom with three other people, and he would go to another job and return when they were done. On the way, he called to get some tools he had left at a job the previous day, and to his amazement, Mrs Moaner pulled up behind him in her car. She had been stalking him for miles. When he confronted her, she said she wanted to see if he was telling the truth about where he was going. She also told him that she believed our business was in financial trouble, and that we would go bankrupt (which was not true of course)!
So I shot her
For me, this was the final straw, so I shot Mrs Moaner. Of course, I couldn’t use a real gun, and I don’t recommend that you do either. But, before we called her to tell her that she would have to get someone else to finish off the job, I did the imaginary shooting. Sometimes I use a pretend gun, a darts board, or even a peashooter. A little childish, I know, but it makes me feel better.
Why you should shoot your own Mrs Moaners - fast
If you get your very own Mrs Moaner, you should shoot her as quickly as possible, and here’s why:
1) She’ll make your staff miserable and this could affect your business badly. If they have to deal with her too often - your staff may even resign.
2)  She will be on the phone or emailing you all the time - even on a Sunday. She’ll take up most of your time, moaning about the same things she complained about the last time - valuable time, that you could be spending on good customers. At the end of the day, no matter how hard you try, she’ll never be satisfied with your response anyway.
3)  Since she’s never happy, she’ll try her best to haggle for a price reduction, or even a refund. When you refuse, she’ll threaten to tell everyone she knows that your company sucks. Don’t let this worry you. The only type of people who will take any notice of Mrs Moaner are the ones who are moaners themselves, and you wouldn’t want them as customers anyway would you?
In short, customers like Mrs Moaner can damage your business, and your reputation, so you’d be far better shooting them from the outset.Â
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2 Responses to “How to Shoot Your Customers Part I: Mrs Moaner”
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Cath,
Absolutely love the new site layout - it’s very inviting.
We had a semi-serious discussion about “where you can hire a hitman for a “stalker” client?”.
I got worried, because someone knew a guy who could take them out (not actually end their life, but warn them off).
Oh how we laughed at the joke. But you could tell there was a flicker of temptation.
I “shot” the client in the end. We ended their contract, and even after they continued to hassle, eventually they went away.
And you’re right - they aren’t respected by others anyway, so even if they attempt to spread bad news about you, they are not listened to.
In fact, I suspect people believe you’re probably saintly to have put up with them!
Ian
Thanks Ian. It’s scary that there are bad customer hitmen out there, but I can understand why some people might be driven to take such measures!
When I first started out, I used to think that everyone was a potential customer, and I think it’s important for new business owners to realise that they need to be more careful.